It seems that a life on the ocean wave isn’t quite what it used to be according to retired company director, Ian Bampton, who is suing Cruise Company, Oceatania, following a recent cruise he and his wife Penelope took around the Caribbean.

Mr Bampton is claiming that cruising’s ‘exclusivity’ has gone and is livid that he had to endure mixing with ‘ordinary people’ during what he is calling a ‘two week ordeal worse than hell.’

Speaking on This Morning he told Holly Willoughby: ‘We booked the cruise which was listed in Oceatania’s Executive Range and flew out to Orlando to meet our liner, Pride of the Ocean. But we began to have serious misgivings on the plane when we could hear what sounded like Northern accents coming from the row in front of us. But that was only the beginning.’

‘As soon as our vessel had left the port we went for a stroll on the promenade deck were we were immediately confronted with all sorts of rough coves cackling and drinking beer. There was even a party of obese men and their equally obese wives in singlets and Union Jack shorts. When they spotted Penelope in her ball gown they called out ‘Oh look, It’s Lord and Lady Muck out for their stroll! How’s your poop deck missus?’ It was horrendous. We took to our cabin for the remainder of the voyage and only came out for disembarkation.’

However an unrepentant Zack O’Brien, Marketing Director of American-based Oceatania commented: ‘Cruising has been previously thought of as quite an exclusive pastime but that’s all history. It’s not like Titanic any more, but that ain’t no bad thing, yeah? Anyway’s we’ll let anyone on our boats as long as they’ve got the money. So these Limey snobs can forget it if they think they’re getting their dough back.’