When installed as Prime Minister Boris Johnson is intending to implement new legislation in relation to one of the nation’s best-loved treats – The British Banger. And if the relevant bill is passed, then from January 2020 it will become illegal to sell sausages anywhere in the UK.
Speaking to Andrew Neil Mr Johnson said: ‘It has long been known that bangers are a heart attack on a plate. They have very little in the way of nutritional value and there is significant research showing it to cause High Cholesterol, Beriberi, Dengue Fever and the Mumps too.’
When pressed by Neil to give the rationale behind the move Johnson added: ‘It really was a no-brainer in the end. And if I may say so, Andrew, a bit like me.’
‘To demonstrate our caring credentials, and to ease the pressure on the Health Service, we had to decide whether we should ban sausages or fags, and since the Exchequer benefits very little by way of duty on snorkers, indeed hardly a sausage in fact, then it made good sense to ban them and let fags continue to kill people as they do currently. Fag duty helps us balance the books you see.’
Meanwhile speaking from an intensive-care bed in the Cardiac Arrest Unit, Chairman of the Association of British Sausage Makers, Paul “Piggy” Carstairs, said: ‘I’ve had a plate of sausages almost every day of adult my life and it’s never done me any harm whatsoever.’
‘Let Boris be assured that my members will fight this ludicrous issue tooth and nail, eyelid and spleen, testicle and foreskin.’