Reports have emerged that following yesterday’s first meeting of PM Boris Johnson’s new cabinet, (pinches self… no, it is true apparently) Mr Johnson has promised if Gavin Williamson can manage not to comport himself like a petulant infant for three months then he will be allowed to wear big boy trousers in cabinet.

Readers may remember that when attending his prep school, naughty Gavin was expelled by the headmistress for being ‘a silly little man’ and telling big big big secrets. Therefore he has been warned that any recurrence of this behaviour will see him sent down with a very stern letter in his blazer inside pocket to be read only by his Pater, who will then mete out the appropriate punishment as he sees fit to. At the very least Williamson can certainly expect to be sent to his room for a week but not before getting the slipper.

A cock-a-hoop Gavin, hopping excitedly from foot to foot, told reporters: ‘I say you fellows, the new head’s a wizard chap really and I intend to keep my nose clean. And I hope that I’m not giving away any secrets here, but if I do earn the right to wear big boy trousers I might be promoted to milk monitor by next year.’