A video has been leaked online believed to be an early rehearsal of the address Boris Johnson was originally going give to the nation last week.

Speaking outside a mocked up 10 Downing Street before entering for the first time the Johnson gave a less than polished performance. The following is a transcript:

I-I-I-I-I-I… erm-erm-erm-erm… grum-grum-grum… boh-boh-boh… erm…  well of course I’m very excited, very aware of the responsibilities of the office.

Her Majesty The Queen has asked me to form a new administration and I have accepted. It is, of course, the greatest honour that can come to ME! Hurrah for me! (Cheering)

I know full well the responsibilities that await me as I enter the door of No. 11… err… no that’s not right. Erm… No.10, is it… yes that’s it. And I shall strive unceasingly to try to fulfill the trust and confidence that 100,000 elderly, white, reactionary xenophobes and racists have placed in me, and the things in which they think I believe tee-hee.

And I would just like to remember some words of St. Francis of Assisi which I think are really just particularly apt at the moment.

Where there is discord, we might bring even more, but hopefully not.

Where there is error, may we bring… you know, well err…whatever. God knows really.

Where there is doubt, may we bring plenty of fun-loving totty. They’ll take my mind off all the doubt

And where there is despair, may we bring… yeah…well… whatever. I’ll think of something. More totty perhaps?

And to all the British people—howsoever they voted—may I say this. Screw the lot of you. I did it! I got the big job! Finally made it, Ma. Top of the world!