It’s understood Boris Johnson has enlisted the services of celebrity gardeners Alan Titchmarsh and Dermot Gavin in a desperate attempt to get the Tory Magic Money Tree flower once again in order to facilitate his endless promises of giveaways after taking up residence in No.10.
Readers may remember the last time the tree flowered when unexpectedly one night in June 2017 it magically dropped a billion pounds onto the lawn at Downing Street.
It was well documented that money was subsequently used to bribe a group of Middle Ages enthusiasts, who laughably refer to themselves as a political party called the DUP, who then shamefully propped up the government of Theresa May in a tawdry deal allowing her to cling onto office after she lost her majority in a pointlessly called general election.
Mr Johnson told reporters: ‘No, we’re not intending to bribe anyone and I can categorically state that just because these bloody thick Micks from the Middle Ages… err no… I mean these Irish… oh bollocks calling them Irish is an even bigger insult… err… umm…these… ah yes MPs… yes these MPs, that’s it, are keeping us in power that they’ll get any special treatment.’
‘No way and you can certainly trust me on this as my reputation for truth and integrity is completely beyond reproach. However, just to be on the safe side I have seconded Jacob Rees-Mogg who was born in the same century as they were to look after their every hearts’s desire.’
Meanwhile there have been reports that Arlene Foster, Nigel Dodds and Sammy Wilson were spotted at the main Lexus dealership in Belfast, although at this time the purpose of their visit was not clear.