America’s hundreds of thousands of assault rifles have spoken out about the recent mass shootings in America and have been quick to plead their innocence in relation to culpability in the incidents.

Their spokesgun, an AK47 called Si, said: ‘Our thoughts and prayers go out to all of the victims who have had their lives so cruelly snuffed out, but you have to believe me here when I say that it’s not our fault.’

‘OK, like sure, we delivered the fatal payloads that ripped through soft body tissue and vital organs shredding them into blood-soaked mush and pulp, but I’m telling you, it wasn’t our fault.’

‘Put yourself in the position of my members, one minute you’re in a real swell and swanky display case in a Walmart store looking mighty fine and dandy, and then the next thing, Zeke, a toothless twenty-five year-old goofball with a mullet has bought you and you no longer have any control over what’s gonna happen next.’

Meanwhile President Trump speaking at The White House commented: ‘You know folks, guns are real neat, yes they are, and are what once made America great. John Wayne was a great guy, just amazing. So was Jimmy Cagney. The best guys.’

‘So that’s why we need loads more guns if we’re to make America even greater. I will therefore be drafting an executive order later today to ensure we redouble our efforts to deal with the, quite frankly, out of control numbers of crazy people on the loose in our great country.’