Boris Johnson has told senior Civil Servants in a letter that their top priority should be to prepare for a no-deal Brexit.

The Daily Blether has been given a copy of the letter marked ‘Classified’ and ‘Top Secret’ wherein Mr Johnson writes:

I say, look here chaps, this whole Brexit thing is becoming a bit of an absolute ‘eff up’ and with the benefit of hindsight it’s a shame that we’re having to leave the EU now. Strictly ‘entre nous’ (that means ‘between us’ in Froggy Speak), voting Leave has indeed turned out to be a bad idea – although don’t say that I said so if any of those nasty underhand sneaky Lefty journos at the BBC ask you, right? Mum’s the word. Calooh Callay!

But with everything turning to absolute shite; the pound plummeting, inflation rising and so on and so forth, then you’d think we might do the decent thing, admit it’s been a disaster and go back to the people with some proper information, rather than the hate-filled, bigoted, racist and xenophobic poison we peddled in 2016, wouldn’t you?

Wrong! The fact is that we daren’t admit that we, well it was mostly me actually, lied to the public so shamefully back then, therefore we must leave for one very key reason. Ha-ha, err… um… well it’s cards on the table time I suppose. The fact is that I’ll look rather a chump if we don’t leave after bluffing my way to get the PM job by saying that we would leave – no ifs no buts.

So come on then be good chaps and help a fellow out, won’t you, eh? You know, “Rule Britannia”, “two World Wars and one World Cup” etc. etc. And how about this then, if I’m still in No. 10 there might be a few knighthoods going spare this Christmas.

Boris Johnson.