Boris Johnson’s government has formulated its first actual policy and will give details later today, when it is expected to announce that taking a supermarket trolley, even one of those small ones, to the self-service checkouts in the supermarket will become subject to an on-the-spot fine handed out by 20,000 new PCSOs.
Mr Johnson said: ‘I became acutely aware of this sickening behaviour, when in an attempt to buy sandwich and Coke for for a quick lunch, I found all four self service tills in my Sainsbury’s Local were being used by queues of people with their trolleys so full that they were almost touching the ceiling tiles.’
‘I was completely inconvenienced and had to hand my purchases to my Personal Security Officer to queue for me. I knew then that something had to be done immediately if I am not to be similarly inconvenienced again.’
‘Brian Samuels, a supermarket industry expert told reporters: ‘Self-service checkouts were introduced by our members, not as a way to to assist customers with fewer items than ten to pay quickly, but simply to sack poorly performing supermarket checkout staff.’
‘The fact these checkouts have actually become popular, despite them malfunctioning during almost every transaction, is an added bonus. The ultimate plan by the big four operators now is to make every till self-service by 2025, an initiative they call – sod people – maximise profits‘.
Shoppers across the land have welcomed the news. Barry from Greenwich said: ‘I knew Boris would get this country sorted out, good on you, mate. You wouldn’t see that beardy Corbyn prick come up with a plan like this.’
And Daphne, an eighty-four year-old blue rinse pensioner, Tory Party Member from Droitwich agrees. She said: ‘I only buy two packets of cream crackers and a jar of fish paste every week and I hate queuing. I like the do-it-yourself tills, it means that I can now pay for my stuff without having to interact with all these foreigners the supermarkets seem to be employing these days.’
‘And at least when the till speaks to me it’s possible to actually understand what it’s saying. I quite enjoy my little chats, and to tell you the truth, it’s the only company I get all week.’