England’s Cricket Selectors have declared themselves ‘extremely happy’ after their much-criticised wildcard selection, the disgraced Tory Peer and ex-jailbird Jeffrey Archer, turned in a sensational bowling performance during the second Ashes Test Match at Lords.

England Captain Joe Root said: ‘Well of course eyebrows were raised when he got the nod, but the selectors certainly have proven they knew what they were doing in picking him, and I bet that old ‘sandpaper’ Steve Smith wishes that Archer was still being detained at Her Majesty’s Pleasure in an open prison somewhere.’

However there was something of an embarrassing mix-up before play began, when the much-hated psychopathic boy-tyrant from Game of Thrones, King Joffrey, turned up to the Lords dressing room only to be informed he had not been selected for the team. He later told reporters: ‘I can’t deny it. I’m really gutted. But rest assured… so will someone else be too, not to mention hung drawn and quartered then their head placed upon a spike.’

Meanwhile at stumps on Sunday Archer himself was cock-a-hoop with his Test Match debut and has now arranged for his England teammates to come round for a Champagne and Shepherds Pie nosh-up at his posh London penthouse. It’s also understood that he intends to pen a new blockbuster set in the world of cricket. He told reporters: ‘I’ll be riding high in the best seller lists by Christmas. Howzat!’