Fears are growing after news emerged that Boris Johnson and Donald Trump were allowed to hold several phone conversations ahead of the G7 summit with neither having aides on hand during the conversations.

One UK advisor speaking off the record said: ‘This is a very worrying development and I really can’t understand how it was allowed to happen. Both of these men have the intellectual capacity of a particularly dim goldfish. It’s chilling to think of what they might have discussed without it being curtailed by diplomatic protocol. Anything is liable to happen now.’

There are reports the American delegation has, on instruction from the president, asked for a so-called ‘Babe Station’ to be provided. Somewhere they can retire to relax following a busy day at the negotiating table.

Mr Trump was overheard to say: ‘What we need after a hard day is some pussy to grab. Pretty girls love that when you’re famous. They’ll let you do anything.’

While Mr Johnson commented: ‘I hope this silly old meeting isn’t going to take too long as I’d rather like to get a bit of surfing in before our slap-up tuck this evening. Is the Chef Michelin-starred? Oh, and when do you want me to say “yes” Mr Trump, Your Majesty?’