Following a disastrous appearance last week to police recruits in West Yorkshire when Boris Johnson gave a rambling address, so flat and incoherent that it bored one female officer half to death, actually causing her to pass out from total apathy at what he was saying, Johnson’s boss, Donald Trump, has told him in no uncertain terms to ‘get his goddamn act together!’

The PM took the call from Trump who insisted that in future all PM addresses are to be staged with a crowd of ‘bribed fans’ behind him, all whooping, hollering and carrying placards with slogans of support on them.

Mr Johnson then received a brutal roasting over his general performance, during which an incandescent Mr Trump, secretly recorded by one of Boris’s aides as the call was conducted via hands free, ranted: ‘What the hell was that, Buddy? Wow that was terrible, just so bad. Tragic. A car crash.’

‘And who were those people all dressed in black? WOW! Drab drab drab! Next time you make a speech get some real hot-looking babes standing right behind you. That’s what I do, and then if I fuck up my speech like you did, and oh boy did you really fuck it up, nobody notices as they’re only checking out the dames.’

‘And hey, let me give you another tip. Leave stunts like trying to read folks their rights to people with a brain. You got it, bozo? Goof up like that again and… you’re fired!’