As its inexorable skew to the Right intensifies at breakneck speed, news has emerged that, should he be returned as Prime Minister following the much-touted imminent general election, one of the first steps a new Boris Johnson administration will take will be to pass a law making it mandatory for the erection of a flagpole and Union Jack at every household across the land.
Details are sketchy at the moment but it’s understood that each morning at sunrise, and then again at sunset, a new Government Broadcasting Corporation, formed to replace the BBC, will play a medley of The Dambusters March, Rule Britannia and Land of Hope and Glory through a newly constructed national network of street klaxons.
During the broadcast the householder and his or her family will conduct “a solemn and respectful ceremony to honour our most glorious Empire.” Failure to comply will see the entire family rounded up and deported to internment camps just outside Scunthorpe.
Billericay costermonger and staunch Brexit supporter, Barry Shite, a man with an IQ of less than 70 welcomes the move. ‘This is facking great nooze and long overdue too, mate. It’s about time we stood up and was counted.’
‘We once ruled the world and we are going to rule it again. Here, pal… would you like a bendy banana before you go?’
Meanwhile a rather bullish Johnson would neither confirm or deny the plans when interviewed on Radio 4. ‘Look would this really be such a bad thing? Instilling a sense of Britishness is the way forward, and if Johnny Foreigner tries to subserve us under the Brussels jackboot then let me just say this.’
‘We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas…’
At which point the interview ended in total chaos as a clearly overexcited Mr Johnson ejaculated all down the front of his trousers.