Downing Street has announced that after chickening out of yesterday’s press conference in Luxembourg when there were protesters waiting to heckle him, Boris Johnson will now undertake all future press conferences not in person but as a hologram.
Holding tightly onto to Matron’s hand with his favourite teddy and worry blanket tucked under his arm and speaking via video link from a secret location where he’s hiding until government boffins have created his hologram, the Prime Minister said:
‘Nasty shouty boys and girls in Luxembourg yesterday were hobbadil to Boris. That’s why he didn’t do the press conference. They were shouting at him and saying he was wrong and Boris doesn’t like to be told he’s wrong.’
‘Boris knows that he’s wrong already, as almost every time he opens his mouth he tells fibs. But only ickle-wickle white fibs and because he smiles when he’s telling them, then they isn’t really fibs at all.’
It’s further understood since yesterday’s traumatising events in Europe, Mr Johnson will only go to bed if promised he is allowed to sleep with the light on and have two bedtime stories read to him.