Reminiscent of the time when IRA officials were not allowed to be heard speaking on TV, media outlets have announced that because everyone in the country is so fed up listening to Boris Johnson trotting out an endless stream of bumbling incoherent drivel and risible shite, in future all of his public utterances will be conveyed by a circus clown who will use a selection of air horns to convey the Prime Minister’s views.

In his first appearance before the cameras to comment on the latest salacious accusations against him, concerning serious financial irregularities and a liaisons with a former pole dancer, Johnson was accompanied by Mr Cheeky Chuckles the Cheerful Chappie.

He then whispered his answers to Mr Chuckles who subsequently tooted: ‘Parp-parp… burmff. Parp… blare… squeak-squeal-squawk. Parpity parp-parp-parp. Buroooof.’

The briefing concluded with Mr Johnson smashing a custard pie into one reporter’s face at which point his trousers then fell down and the doors blew off his waiting limousine when the radiator exploded.

Reporters leaving the meeting were quick to praise the new system with many saying it was a massive improvement to finally have something more coherent coming from the government.