Following today’s Supreme Court ruling which said the proroguing of parliament was illegal and consequently null and void, Tory blowhard and absolute laughable windbag, Mark Francois, was seen leaving his house at noon looking less than pleased.

Dressed in a Home Guard Captain’s uniform, with a stuck-on bristling mustache, national health rounded specs and with an officer’s baton tucked under his arm a clearly livid Mr Francois told reporters. ‘This obscene ruling is flying in the face of the will of the people, and as God, my merciful father in heaven, is my witness, I hereby give notice I am prepared, if necessary and should this sceptered isle call me so to do, to seize power and form a military government to make sure we leave Europe, without a deal, on October the thirty-first. No ifs, no buts.

So far in a tidal wave of absolute ambivalence and utter indifference there have been no such calls from anyone whatsoever, nevertheless Francois has set up his recruiting office at the Wickford branch of Burger King, but at time of going to press not one single person has signed on.

One former TA colleague said: ‘Mark’s a bit of a sad dreamer really, and now that the rich boys have used then callously dumped him, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel a little bit sorry for him. Or at least you might do if only he weren’t such a total arse.’