As the cynical Tory vote-buying giveaway bonanza gathers pace, it’s understood Boris Johnson will soon announce top business people and public figures, who pay tax at the very highest rate, will be given free grants to defend sexual allegations made against them.
Speaking to our Political Correspondent Mr Johnson said: “Now look here, I think important chaps who have a eye for the fillies are coming under fire and that’s just all wrong.”
“It’s getting to the stage were a fellow can’t touch-up a bit of top totty without her crying “foul” a few years later, and of course this is quite bothersome for said chap, and I don’t have to tell you what it costs to brief a legal eagle these days, eh?”
“Therefore, if say a CEO or maybe even a Mayor, is accused of an illicit fumble or grope under the table then it’s only right the state should help him out. We’ve got blimmin’ bagfuls dosh sloshing around now we’ve made it a dashed lot harder for plebs to get legal aid, so we might as well use it up. You know, use it or lose it.”
Cynics have been quick to point to Mr Johnson himself saying that the move is purely for his own benefit as he has been bedeviled by allegations of sexual misconduct and widespread philandering over the years.
However he quickly denied the allegations. ‘That is simply not true. In actual fact it’s well know that I’m a serial monogamist, and what’s more… phwoah! Blimey, look at the tumblers on that!’