Having won tacit approval from The DUP on Boris Johnson’s proposals for Ireland’s borders when Britain exits the EU, everyone is now waiting to see the nature and the size of bribe the enthusiasts for the Middle Ages values and sensibilities have been promised for their support.

In press release this evening from the DUP it has said a media briefing will be held at its new Maldives HQ on Friday to clarify the situation further.

Speaking from Belfast International Airport as she boarded her brand new personal First Minister’s Lear Jet en route to carry out a fact-finding mission in Barcelona, Arlene Foster said: ‘Be assured that the DUP’s support for this proposal has not been bought. And have we crossed what we have stated were previous red lines over these proposals? No we definitely haven’t so we haven’t.’

One of Mrs Foster’s colleagues, Sammy Wilson, was quick to agree. Speaking from behind the wheel of a new Ferrari Daytona sports car, bedecked in a selection of heavy gold chains and full sovereign rings, snugly wrapped up in a designer car coat fashioned from Ocelot Fur he said; ‘So we’ve been bought off, have we? Ach away and catch yerself on will ye.’

‘And now if yiz’ll just excuse me I have a diner engagement with Heston Blumenthal. He’s agreed to cook me and Nigel Dodds a free ten-course tasting menu. So like, I’d be mad to miss that, so I would, wouldn’t I?’