Since having his plans thwarted on Saturday when he was unable to bounce the country into a catastrophic new Brexit deal even worse than the one negotiated by Theresa May, petulant overgrown schoolboy Boris Johnson and his chums have carried out a series of prank reprisals in and around Westminster in an attempt to wreak terrible revenge on opponents.
Things started on Saturday evening when Boris was given lines to do in the form of a letter. Eventually and after many refusals he was made do it when his form master tweaked his ear and threatened to give him six of the best. So twisting and turning the cheeky scamp gave in, albeit grudgingly, but then didn’t sign it. He said later ‘Haha! didn’t count, didn’t count. Never signed it so never really sent it. Yah-boo!’
The japes continued apace when he and his best pal Jacob Rees-Mogg placed a bag of flour above the door of Speaker John Bercow’s office. Scarcely able to speak and with tears of laughter running down his cheeks ‘Moggy’ said: ‘Oh Lor! what a hoot! Old Bercow was covered from head to toe and had to go home to change. Haha! What? I mean haha!’
‘But best of all,’ adds Boris, ‘was that after the sitting on Saturday Michael Gove, taking a leaf out of the crusties’ book super-glued old Corbyn to his front bench and he was stuck there for hours and hours. Brilliant!’
It’s now understood that Boris and his frontbench team will be searched ahead of today’s parliamentary session, after intelligence came to light late last night that they may be intending to use a fart cushion and stink bombs against Oliver Letwin during today’s proceedings.