It has been announced today that as a result of recent intense pressure caused by media coverage, Buckingham Palace has finally moved to put a new strategy in place, designed to assist members of the Royal Family when dealing with Britain’s intrusive tabloid press and broadcast outlets.
Former disgraced tabloid editor and narcissist, Piers Morgan, is understood to have become poacher turned gamekeeper and accepted the offer of the new role of Defence Against The Dark Arts Advisor.
Among his responsibilities will be to give practical advice and strategies on how not to fall out of nightclubs three sheets to the wind and pissed as a parrot. How not complain about your life of fantastic wealth and privilege, or not making racist slurs towards your hosts when being treated as their honoured guests.
Commentators have been quick to draw the obvious parallels between the job, Buckingham Palace and Hogwarts Academy of Wizardry and Witchcraft from the popular Harry Potter Stories and Morgan agrees.
Speaking to the press and wearing a small golden crown ermine robes and clutching an orb and sceptre he said: ‘I can confirm I humbly accepted Her Majesty’s offer and have now given my solemn undertaking to defend all family members from cocking-up in the glare of the media spotlight. In particular I will ensure than none fall into the clutches of He Who Must Not Be Named, or as I call him, Martin Bashir.’