After being asked by Chancellor Sajid Javid to produce £3,000,000 pounds worth of fifty-pence pieces to commemorate Britain’s leaving the European Union, each to be inscribed with an empty embarrassingly trite slogan on one side, and the date of 31st of October on the reverse, no one is sure what can now be done with them.
‘With the government spectacularly failing to hit its ‘no ifs no buts’ exit assurances the coins are now possibly worth only 0.5p per hundred units as scrap metal,’ confirmed a spokesman for the Royal Mint.
Chancellor Sajid Javid told a press briefing: ‘Three million pounds in fifty pence coins is very nearly… erm… well it’s… now let me see… five times… no wait… err… carry two… erm divided by ten is… oh shit! Who’s got a calculator?’
‘Well of course I don’t need to tell anyone here that it’s not very many coins at all really. Scarcely worth giving a second thought to, but nevertheless all of those ha’pennies will certainly add up to a not insignificant sum which will be paid back into government coffers to help offset any production costs should the 50ps turn out to be useless. So it’s actually well done us!’
Later when Boris Johnson was questioned on the matter he said: ‘You know, this is a great thing. It’s good for Britain and it’s a fantastic boost for every household in the land. So come on, cheer up. Never mind the gloomsters and moaning minnies who say it’s been an embarrassment and shocking waste of money. Haha… because it jolly well hasn’t. So there! And by the way, you can trust me because my reputation for telling the truth is second to none.’
‘Anyway once Europe tells us exactly when and indeed how we can leave, we’ve got labels printed up to stick onto the coins and Sajid himself will spend the next forty-five years with a Sharpie filling them in to show the correct date.’