Legalised Shylocks, QuickQuid, who had been preying on the disadvantaged, and who because of continual non-intervention by ‘I’m alright Jack’ rich Tories, have been doing very nicely until this week, now find themselves in dire financial peril and about to call in receivers if a last-ditch attempt to save the business doesn’t work.

A company insider who didn’t want to be named said: ‘We are embarking on an emergency rescue strategy that might save the business. Round the corner from our offices there’s this taxi firm, Honest Cabs, run by brothers Dave and Steve Bastard.’

‘They’ve offered to lend us £50,000,000 in used £20 pound notes until next Tuesday at a very competitive 370000% APR. It just might work. Fingers crossed, eh?’

Speaking on reception at Honest Cabs Steve Bastard said: ‘Look we’re just helping out some mates here that’s all. And if they don’t pay back the loan by Toozeday then what’s the worst thing that can happen?’

‘It’s not as if a gang of baseball-wielding thugs will go round there and smash the place up. No-one’s gonna get hurt, are they? Leastways let’s hope not. Knowhaddamean, mate?’