The Samaritans came under extreme pressure overnight with their switchboard completely jammed, as hundreds of perky blonde upper class young women with cut glass accents, along with man-eating cougars whose husbands are ‘something in the city’, all called in completely distraught after a rumour had swept through social media suggesting Boris Johnson had said he was giving up sex.

Such was the panic that Boris himself took to Twitter posting this message: ‘Look here all you lovely fillies and pretty poppets, I said I’m stopping FRACKING! Not rumpy-pumpy OK? So just let’s all chillax and rest assured I shall be getting to know each and every one of you much better in the coming weeks.

Pretty twenty-three year-old Penny Wintrhop-Manford told us: ‘Oh thank God. Because until Boris tweeted all I could see was my career going down the toilet. You see I’m showing him round the constituency in the upcoming election visit, so obviously he would have shagged me at some point during his visit and then in ten years time I’d likely be the sitting Tory MP or agent at least.’

‘Now I’m pleased to say it looks as if that’s all back on again now. Phew! Although I’ll have to stock up on sick bags.’