Magistrates in Hounslow have fined a man one hundred pounds and bound him over to keep the peace, after he was convicted of having trained his dog, a two-year-old Bull Terrier called Rex, to “lurk nearby the newspaper display in Tesco and bite anyone on the arse who picked up a copy of the Daily Mail”.

Simon Rothery a sous chef told reporters ‘I had had just about enough of watching a succession of smug blue-rinse old bats and Captain Mainwaring total fuckwits walking into the shop, reading the Mail’s front page, turning puce, tutting loudly then picking up and buying it without even the slightest hint of embarrassment or shame. Not even one of them asked to have it hidden inside a brown paper bag.’

‘What’s more I have no intention whatsoever of complying with my sentence. Rex will continue to bite these reactionary bigots with impunity as far as I am concerned. They and their ilk are the reason the Brexit vote won in the EU referendum. I just don’t know why they can’t take a proper balanced paper like The Express or Sun.’