There is uproar in the Britain’s leafy suburbs and shires today, as it has been announced domestic waste disposal contractors are to introduce a new system for the collection of food and household waste. From next year the already controversial collection schedule will change from fortnightly to annually.

Henri Lanois, CEO of French waste management firm, Merde, told BBC: ‘Since ze Tories sold off waste disposal to city wide-boys who then sold it to us, our sole concern has been to make money for our investors. So what if ze householders suffer a much worse service? This is la privatisation, non? We make a fortune and ze public suffers. As we say en France… pfft! C’est la vie, mon ami.’

Environment Minister, Theresa Villiers, in response to widespread protests at the news, is not convinced that the change is quite so bad as it was being made out to be. She said: ‘Well perhaps this idea seems a tad radical at first sight, but it’s one that will see great environmental improvements. For example with many fewer bin lorries on our roads carbon and exhaust gas pollution will be significantly reduced.’

‘And even if some squalor-related illness reappear as a result it will be a small price to pay when you consider the overall benefits to our environment. And anyway we’ve got antibiotics these days so what’s the problem?’

But one householder from Winchester doesn’t agree. Doreen Roberts a retired schoolteacher said: ‘It’s a terrible idea. We shall all be dying of that Bionic Plague within a year.’