Convicted conman but now reformed, Barry Clegg, is today the toast of highbrow music cognoscenti across the globe, because despite being completely unable to play a single note on the violin, his first CD Ennui has gone straight to the top of the classical music charts.

A cock-a-hoop Barry told Classical Music Magazine: ‘It’s amazing and nobody is more surprised than me. It came about as I was getting out on parole and had no prospects. See, all I can really do is rip people off. So I had a brainwave and thought what about ripping off idiots who actually want to be ripped off? I mean the job’s half done for you already.’

‘I read about this guy, Cage, who ‘composed’ a piece called 4’33”. It’s just silent, no music at all and yet people actually fell for it. So when I got out I bought a fiddle, went into a recording studio, let the tape run for an hour, we pressed it up, and bingo! Job’s a good ‘un.’

Music Impresario Sean Messier who now manages Clegg says: ‘Barry is a marvel and a true virtuoso of the instrument. Ennui is dripping in emotion, angst and demonstrates a terrifying unbridled strength mixed with subtle sensitivity. I can see it winning every classical musical award this year. A breathtaking debut and the launch of a new truly amazing superstar.’

‘Blimey, Sean I like you but you don’t half talk a total crock of shit sometime, mate,’ laughs Barry.