The Tory Party has claimed its plans for forty new hospitals and fifty thousand new nurses, promised as clumsy and blatant bribes to buy votes by Boris Johnson, have now been delivered already two weeks ahead of the election.
A cock-a-hoop Mr Johnson told reporters: ‘Haha! Phew! What about that then? I thought that with my risible barefaced lying I might have dropped us in the soup, but no, not a bit of it.”
‘Thanks to Nicky Morgan’s fantastic mathematical prowess, her vision and crystal-clear logic, I can only see these achievements being portrayed as spectacular Tory successes, and of course one in the eye for old Lefty Loony Corbyn whose grasp of numbers is just complete fantasy.’
‘I spotted that the target for nurses has been met already. By cleverly reclassifying fifty thousand existing nurses as “Nurses 2020″ that has actually achieved double our target.’
‘So I’m delighted to be able to now announce today that we have in fact delivered, not fifty thousand, but one hundred thousand new nurses already.’
“Also technically the new hospitals have now been built too. Urf-urf-urf! Yes indeed. You see henceforth forty current under-performing hospitals have been re-branded as “Aspirational Super Hospitals”. We’ve also given them a couple of hundred quid each for key projects and there you go, job done with no comeback there whatsoever.
‘We’ve ordered a big blue bus and we’re writing Tories… delivering on our manifesto pledges along the side of it then touring it around key marginals. Its just like 2016 all over again.’