It has been announced by Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab that when the current head of the nation’s super-snoopers GCHQ steps down, his successor will be that irritating little git, the nosey parker who lives at number 22.

‘You know who I mean,’ said Mr Raab, ‘he’s always there peering out from behind the net curtains at all hours of the day. Never misses a trick and sees everything that goes on. Well that’s the kind of person we need. The terrorist seeking to get one over on him will certainly have to get up pretty early in the morning. You just mark my words.’

The man, whose identity must remain a secret for reasons of national security, was however pleased to be taking on the job. Speaking from behind a screen and with his voice having been disguised to sound like a whining nasal pedantic drone he told reporters:

‘Well it’s about high-time this happened. I can promise the nation that years of relentless snooping and nonchalantly hanging about on the other side of the garden fence, or down a supermarket aisle ostensibly comparing butters and margarines but actually earwigging everything that’s going on, have given me the required skill sets to do this job.’

However when it was put to him that he didn’t even have a clue, that her, you know the one who lives at number 37? Yes, the big blonde brassy piece who’s no better than she thinks she ought to be, is up the duff with the milkman’s sprog, the man looked a little miffed before countering: ‘Well obviously in the interests of national security I’m afraid can’t possibly comment on that .’