Uproar has erupted in leafy Chalfont St Peter over this year’s Nativity Play currently being staged at Sir Thomas Cuthbert’s Junior School.

Parents of Shanice Matthews (5) were livid after having attended last night’s opening performance. Dad Michael said: ‘I couldn’t believe it to be honest. We all took our seats as Mrs Davies tinkled a few tunes on the piano before the lights went down. Then one single spotlight illuminated a completely empty stage and we all waited for the show to start.’

‘But that was it,’ continued a clearly flabbergasted Michael, ‘nothing else happened at all, until the Head, Ms. Peabody, came on and thanked us for coming. I mean what the hell was all that about? I know the traditional Baby Jesus thing is now taboo, but just explain to me why there was no Buzz Lightyear, not even one Cybermen or even Khaleesi from Game of Thrones?’

The Blether spoke to Ms. Peabody this morning who explained: ‘We put a lot of work into this year’s holiday entertainment that we called A Light shines in the Darkness. Here at Thomas Cuthbert’s we have pupils of all religions and ethnicities and felt this was the best way possible to celebrate without offending anyone, but now even that has failed as we had several complaints over the issue of inner-city light pollution.’

Meanwhile upon hearing the news on ITV’s GMB this morning, permanently angry gammon Piers Morgan disappeared in a haze of blue smoke as he spontaneously self-combusted in a fit of uncontrollable seething rage.