It has been announced today that as a result of Prince Andrew’s recent ill-advised car crash interview with Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis, Buckingham Palace has finally moved to put a new strategy in place designed to assist members of the Royal Family when dealing with Britain’s top forensic TV journalists.
Former disgraced tabloid editor and narcissist, Piers Morgan, is understood to have taken the Queen’s ten-pence piece, and in a poacher turning gamekeeper move, accepted the offer of the new role as Defence Against The Dark Arts Supremo.
Among his responsibilities will be to give practical tips on how not to fall out of nightclubs three sheets to the wind, sweating like a pig at an abattoir, groping some pretty girl around the waist and not wearing a necktie.
Commentators have been quick to draw obvious parallels between the new job, Buckingham Palace and Hogwarts Academy of Wizardry and Witchcraft from the popular Harry Potter Stories and Morgan agrees.
Speaking to the press wearing a small golden crown ermine robes and clutching an orb and sceptre Morgan said: ‘I can confirm that I, Piers Morgan, by the way a close personal friend to President Trump, have humbly accepted Her Majesty’s offer and have now given my solemn undertaking to defend all family members from cocking-up in the full glare of the media spotlight.
‘In particular I will ensure than none fall into the clutches of He Who Must Not Be Named, or as I call him, Martin Bashir.’