News has emerged today that forgotten front line Brexit soldier; the man who virtually single-handedly secured Britain’s exit from The EU, Mark Francois, spent a lonely New Year’s Eve at home evoking the spirit of the blitz with a tin of Spam and a bottle of light ale, whilst all his Tory chums partied the night away until the small hours at an exclusive Mayfair hot spot.

Francois was philosophical about appearing to have been passed over despite all the work he put in. ‘I imagine my invitation might well have been lost in the post, as at that time of year the Royal Mail is rushed off its feet, isn’t it? I suppose I could’ve gone but in the end I gave my pal Will Self a call to see if he fancied a curry, and although he said he would have loved nothing better, unfortunately he was busy cutting his toenails. So hey-ho. Anyway, I quite fancied a quiet night at home to be honest.’

When it was suggested to him this afternoon that after all Mr Francois had done to ensure Brexit is delivered over the past few years, Party Chairman James Cleverly commented: ‘Err…  excuse me. Mark who?’