In a startling scientific and medical first, just like like something from a Hollywood sci-fi blockbuster, a team of micro divers has been assembled and has entered the bloodstream of Boris Johnson in an attempt to find even the slightest shred of integrity.
Professor Jorge Schmidt of UCL told reporters: ‘Thanks to new top-secret technology our team was reduced temporarily to microscopic size and is currently searching inside the PM to see if we can find any traces of integrity or even a scintilla of unselfish thought.’
It’s understood that Schmidt’s team was ingested painlessly via Mr Johnson’s glass of warm milk last night, and has seventy-two hours to complete its mission in a micro-submarine.
Professor Schmidt went on to give a progress report: ‘This mission is fraught with very real danger, not least navigating through many thousands of miles of Boris’s blood vessels and indeed has already nearly come to a sticky and premature end on no less than twelve occasions.’
‘The sub was in the region of his testicles when Mr Johnson suddenly indulged in a frenzied orgy of sustained masturbation. Thankfully he then fell asleep enabling the craft to navigate to a less active body zone – his brain.’
‘But heaven forbid the micro-sub should take a wrong turn and end up in the vicinity of Mr Johnson’s cavernous arsehole. Mind you, in that event each member has been issued with a quick-acting cyanide tablet.