The Tory Party has announced it’s looking into plans to discontinue the long established principle of trial by jury, and instead replace it with the toss of a coin – best of three; thereby speeding up and ultimately clearing the current backlog of cases caught up in the judicial system.

Home Secretary Priti Patel told reporters: ‘Now that we are looking at introducing polygraph evidence for cases involving terrorists, we just decided why not go the whole hog and bring in another unreliable system that can easily be subsequently discredited should those convicted by it seek to appeal their sentences further down the line.’

The Home Secretary went of to explain what she saw were the potential benefits of the introduction of controversial hit-and-miss technology across the entire court process.

‘We would use specially made tamper-proof gold coins for every court in the land, and instead of all this six-month trial nonsense judges would simply flip the coin as soon as everyone is assembled before them. Heads the defendant is innocent and Tails they are going down.’

‘Making it best of three ensures the process is much more accurate. Then it’s “Next case please! a fortune saved and the court backlog cleared in double-quick time.’

When Boris Johnson was asked about the idea he said: ‘So Priti’s thinking of bringing in some kind of machine that proves conclusively when a fellow’s telling big fat whopping fibs? I’ll have to have a word with her as I certainly don’t like the sound of that.’