Following the acrimonious dismissal of Claire O’Neill as COP President and subsequent refusals by David Cameron and William Hague to succeed her, Boris Johnson has announced the role will now be taken on by Miss Harcourt, Class Teacher of 1B (Butterflies) from St Joseph’s Infants Wokingham.

With national treasure Sir David Attenborough seated by his side Mr Johnson said: ‘I’m very excited to announce Miss Harcourt’s appointment to this very important position. She brings with her a wealth of experience to the role. In fact it was she who instigated 1B’s comprehensive rainfall survey only last month.’

‘And with the plucked-out-of-thin-air back-of-a-fag-packet empty promises I made yesterday. You know, the old toot about stopping the sale of petrol and diesel cars by 2035, phasing out coal-fired power by 2024 not to mention Britain’s pledge to switch to a net-zero emissions economy by 2050, then I hope all those muesli-chomping crusty and skanky do-gooders will cut me a bit of slack and get off my case.’

Asked what he thought about Mr Johnson’s initiative Sir David commented: ‘You know for some reason I’m having crystal-clear flashbacks of my famous encounter with the gorillas of the Virunga Volcanoes of Rwanda.’