Following acquittal at his impeachment hearing, a triumphant President Donald Trump revealed that should he win a second term in office, one of the central planks of new legislation he will seek to introduce will be “Trump Justice”.

He told reporters: ‘Trump Justice will involve a new way of trying cases. A beautiful new way. The best. Courts and juries will no longer be burdened by having to listen to witnesses or evidence in the vague hope these might inform the case. No sir, folks have better things to do than waste time listening that bunch of crap.’

‘It’s a bad system. So bad. The worst. WOW! Trump Justice is simple. If a defendant has enough buddies then what they will do is flood the court with their buddies. After attorneys on both sides go through the motions, Judges, who incidentally will be renamed Trump Legislators, will ask for a guilty or not guilty verdict by a show of hands from everyone in the courtroom.’

‘You got enough buddies or you’ve bought off enough buddies, you walk. If you can’t do that, then you’re clearly guilty. FACT!’