Champagne corks are popping at The Met Office as forecasters and analysts are celebrating the first time in anyone’s living memory that they have actually managed to get a forecast right.

For the best part of a week forecasters had been issuing severe weather warnings over the imminent arrival of Storm Ciara which is now battering the UK from top to bottom. Widespread reports talk of fallen trees and structural damage to many buildings.

One well known forecaster clutching a half-drank bottle of Dom Perignon and very much the worse for wear said: ‘Hurrrh! Burmmmmf! Get it right up you, you doubting bastards! We got it right. First time I can remember but we got it right! So, oh my god… Barrrffff! OK?’

‘This is only the start of it too, slurred Ms. Kirkwood erm… sorry, the presenter, ‘Cos, see me? I’m forecasting the north will be enveloped in a cloud of foul-smelling gas and stiflingly hot air next week as Boris Johnson visits Leeds pretending to give a flying fuck about the people there.’