It’s been revealed that Bristol Police thwarted a plot to kidnap climate change activist Greta Thunberg and then make her eat bacon when she visited the city last week to take part in a protest march.

Chief Constable Darren Page said, ‘Acting on a tip-off we took several people into custody who were questioned, cautioned then released as it was felt no laws have been broken.

The news has been met with indignation and outrage by high profile gammon and professional loudmouth, Piers Morgan, who slammed the operation as a waste of police time and resources. ‘Miss Thunberg had no business to be there,’ said Morgan. ‘Inviting her was just symptomatic of this snowflake society we live in. It would have been time enough for police to act had something actually happened.’

Speaking on a phone-in today on BBC Radio Bristol one foaming-at-the-mouth Daily Mail reader Sam Thompson agrees. ‘This slip of a girl is leading the world on a merry and pointless dance. Look, if I hadn’t been stranded here in the middle of these never previously experienced and  bafflingly high flood waters I’d have been there myself to protest against this bloody march.’

‘Climate Change is stuff and nonsense and just a scare tactic by being peddled by vegans and mussel-chomping hippies who don’t want the world destroyed by commerce. Absolutely pathetic. Donald Trump is a world leader and if he  says what I’m saying then we both can’t be wrong, can we?’