Muggers and snatch-and-grab thieves riding mopeds across Britain are rejoicing today after what they are calling a Petty Criminals’ Charter was announced by Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
Speaking to reporters Mr Johnson said that as part of the government’s contingency plans to combat a serious outbreak of Coronavirus, Police will only be able to respond to the most serious crimes and emergencies.
Habitual lowlife scumbag from London’s East End, Arnie Phelps chuckled: “Cor blimey ain’t this proper sweet? As far as I’m concerned this bleedin’ Chinky Lurgy can’t get a grip on the nation quick enough. Bring it on my son!”
“Thanks to Boris when it takes a proper hold I will have a free pass to turn people over with impunity. I may think about stepping up my nefarious activities to include housebreaking with even a little touch light GBH should the job call for it.”
“Cos let’s face it, Old Bill won’t be able to do fack all about it, will they? The thin blue line’s gonna be well and truly stretched and kept far too busy maintaining public order when the food shortages, panic buying and rioting in the streets kicks in.”
“With a bit of luck by the time they find a vaccine I’ll have made so much dough that me and my bird Denise will be shacked up in a new 6-bedroomed luxury villa in Marbella. Lavalee jubbly.’