Chancellor Rishi Sunak was upbeat today making light of any potential global fiscal catastrophe caused by Corona Virus, when he insisted his Budget, due on Wednesday, will be delivered as previously planned.
“I know I only came into this job a few short weeks ago but I spent half an hour with the PM over a curry on Saturday and I’m proper pumped for this.”
“Between us we got all the angles sussed and I know what I’m up to. So there’s no need for the public to worry at all,” insisted Mr Sunak.
Answering one reporter who asked him how could he be in any way confident of his figures, particularly as the government hasn’t a clue what it may have to spend on contingency measures in respect of Covid-19, the Chancellor said.
“Trust me it’s all good. Our figures have been checked from every angle by Boris himself, and you couldn’t get a safer pair of hands than him now could you?”
“So let’s not have any more doom and gloom. If Coronavirus tries to screw with this Tory Government it will be barking up the wrong tree.”
“I have already set aside £20,000 million for Kitchener-style posters to be sent to every house and commercial establishment in the land.”
“They have an excellent likeness of Boris with the words ‘Now wash you hands’ printed below. We are to put them up in the loo to ensure that it will be Great Britain one Coronavirus nil.”