As the government’s COBRA Committee meets today once again to plan further contingencies in combating Covid-19, the new Chair of the Parliamentary Intelligence Committee, Chris Grayling (yes, we shit you not), has confirmed he has been working behind the scenes to ensure the committee can carry out its work to maximum efficiency and without interruption in the coming weeks.

Speaking from Leeds after going there in error when he had been asked by MI5 to follow up on some leads Mr Grayling said: ‘I have been in touch with contacts in India and I am happy to be able to confirm I have hired five snake charmers and their cobras who will be coming to the UK later today.’

‘As a senior figure in government and former cabinet minister, I know only too well the importance of cobras in times of national emergency, so now if Ranjit, he’s our main cobra wallah, becomes infected with the virus there are at least four backups all ready to step in at a moment’s notice.’

‘And on a personal note if I may, many decriers suggested that I was not up to this appointment when it was announced, but in having taken this action purely on my own initiative I am sure there can be no doubt that I am more than equal to the task.’