The nation has reacted with gut-wrenching anguish after it was announced that Boris Johnson, despite being in self-isolation for the virus, is continuing to lead the government’s fight against Covid-19.
The bombshell was casually dropped this morning when Health Minister Matt Hancock revealed in an interview that he and Mr Johnson are in close contact throughout the day actively working on the crisis.
“Although he’s quite poorly the PM’s working hard to coordinate the initiative,” said Mr Hancock blithely, unaware of the damage he was doing as Stock Market shares plummeted to a new all-time low within two minutes of the news.
“Oh sweet baby Jesus! That’s it then. We’re doomed,” said one smarm-bucket City Trader Gavin McCoy adding, “if that prize pranet is still pulling the levers of power then there’ll be nothing left come the end of June.”
“In common with the rest of the nation I had imagined he was in bed shagging his days away and letting someone else get on with the real work.”
“Maybe that scary looking gangly weirdo in the glasses and puffa jacket who doesn’t say a lot. I mean, come on, even Grayling would make a better fist of it, wouldn’t he?”
Only as recently as last night the nation’s hopes were given a much-needed shot in the arm when during the Clap For Our Carers appeal, Mr Johnson was seen standing at the door of 10 Downing St. looking “a bit peaky” as two vultures circled overhead.
But now with those hopes dashed following the Health Sectary’s revelation the UK has been plunged into an utterly bleak, dark and inconsolabel state of despair.