Boxing Promoter Frank Warren has stepped in to single-handedly resolve billionaire Richard Branson’s plight by lining him up in bare-knuckle pay-per-view boxing match against JD Wetherspoon’s supremo Tim Martin.

Speaking on Sky Box Office Warren explained: ‘I was sick to death listening to Branson bleating on about how this lurgy thing is destroying his business but then having the cheek to ask for a facking taxpayer handout when he’s sitting on billions of his own. Not to mention his creative taxation arrangements.’

‘So I think, what if I could line up a bout and get the people to fund this. Then I think who’s equally as annoying as Branson and that’s when I had a light bulb moment. Bofff!’

‘That facking geezer with the big barnet what runs them pubs for alchies… I knew immediately that I’d hit the mother lode.’

It’s understood the contest, to be televised worldwide on May 23rd, has already been subscribed to 6.4 billion times and at £30, or whatever the local equivalent is, it will raise hundreds of billions of pounds and with Branson’s cut from proceeds his airline business will be saved.

Current Heavyweight World Champion Tyson Fury is looking forward to the event keenly and said: “I can’t think of watching anything better than them two bloody annoying tossers knock one another about.”

“My people have been speaking to Frank and I’m taking on the winner for free. To be honest there’s no sum of money big enough either of those Muppets could put up that will make me duck that bout.”