News tonight that queen of the kitchen, Delia Smith, has been lured out of retirement and is about to return to our screens in a revolutionary new ‘beyond basics concept’ that will see her ride to our rescue and teach lockdown Britain how to prepare cheap rubbish.

Looking happy to be back in the limelight she told reporters: ‘Thanks to a procession of celebrity chefs like Gordon and Jamie in recent years we all know how to rustle up Ris de veau à la financière or maybe a Mignonettes à la crême d’écrevisses. But ask yourselves this, can we open a tin of tomato soup, bung it in a saucepan and heat it up?’

‘Or butter two slices of bread, put some bangers or a slice or two of bacon between them and make a bacon or sausage sarny? To that I say a resounding no! So my new show, How to cook ultra-simple food, will change all that. So come on now! Let’s be ‘avin you!’

Sponsored by Spar, each show will be based around a three-course dinner party for four celebs, and with a total budget of £5 including wine Delia is sure to face quite a challenge.

In a break with tradition she is turning her back on the sumptuous country cottage location we’re all familiar with, but instead will rustle up the recipes from a small, grubby galley-style kitchen, in a 12th floor high-rise flat, located on a grim inner-city sink estate.

Episode one will see Hugh Laurie, Dawn French, Michael Ball and the lovely Debbie McGee enjoy a Chow Mein Pot Noodle, McCain Oven Chips and half a Mars Bar each.