The government has announced that because the elderly cannot estimate a distance of two meters by eye they will have to start wearing specially modified coats and cardigans that include a one-metre bamboo hoop sewn into the hem.

Boris Johnson told reporters: “Old duffers have been dropping like flies recently and we have been told by our boffins – whom by the way are two hundred percent responsible for this beastly dreadful loss of life – that it’s because oldies can’t work out how to keep far enough apart. Therefore this special new clothing is just the ticket and will keep old fools like Dad that bit safer.”

“Ah yes, that’s right. I nearly forgot as this is live isn’t it? Well you see as I’m here and you probably shan’t see me for at least another fortnight, I’d like to use this rare public appearance to announce my administration is introducing a new slogan that will begin being rolled out from tomorrow.”

It’s not the Tories

It’s the flipping Boffins

So blame them. OK?

“Has quite a ring to it, doesn’t it? One of Dominic’s absolute best.”

“Anyway that’s enough of this old flannel from me as I must be off with Carrie to good old RAF Brize Norton if we’re to catch that flight to The Maldives. And remember – continue staying alert until tomorrow.”