A man who wiped his bum with the Daily Mail claims he has caught xenophobia as a result.
Dave Phelps from Reading says he contracted the debilitating condition after wiping his arse on little squares cut from, the some say newspaper, that he’d hung from a bulldog clip in his toilet for an ironic dinner party joke.
‘We had some friends coming round,’ a rueful Dave explained ‘and for a lark I thought it might be fun. But next morning, feeling the worse for wear after three bottles of Chablis, I went to the loo and only realised I’d forgotten to change the paper back to our regular Waitrose triple-ply with Aloe Vera.
‘But of course by then it was too late. I’d gone and wiped me bum and within minutes I was slagging off my longtime best friend and next door neighbour Bogdan, for no good whatsoever.’
‘Anyone thinking of doing what I did, don’t! Direct bodily contact with The Daily Mail is so dangerous it makes Chernobyl fallout look like strawberries dusted with icing sugar.’
Professor Craig Lennox who is working to find a cure for Dave explained: ‘This was the perfect storm waiting to happen, as now having examined squares from the edition of the paper Dave used we found them to be particularly toxic.’
‘The front page was a story about a group of Eastern European plumbers working on the black economy yet still claiming state benefits to help fund their £100,000 pounds a week mansions in Knightsbridge.’
‘Whilst another prominent article detailed how the two million illegal Muslim immigrants pouring into the country every week, plan to gain power then make it compulsory for every school in the land to ban the teaching of Christianity.’
‘I’m making every effort to find a cure for Mr. Phelps’ condition and I’ve put him on a course of wiping his arse with The Express for the next month in the hope of starting to reverse the symptoms.’