The government has announced that from 4.00am tomorrow morning, serial killers and mass murderers who are currently serving life sentences for their crimes, will be able to appeal convictions and with a bit of luck should be out of the clink, down the pub and larging it up by lunchtime.

Essex wideboy and Swiss Toni impersonator, Brandon Lewis, told the House of Commons: ‘Tell yah what. If these people lodge appeals on the grounds they only murdered victims in a very specific and limited way, then there ain’t no Home Secretary wurf their salt wot wouldn’t instruct the appeal courts to overthrow the verdicts.’

Mr Lewis then went on to try and interest the house in a lovely little Capri Ghia with only 35,000 genuine miles on the clock, but was forced to give up when it became apparent there were no takers.

He was later heard asking a policeman outside the Palace of Westminster: ‘Here, pal, have you ever heard of a place called Belfast? I got a meet there tomorrow but fucked if I know where is.’