The Right Honourable Member of Parliament for The Dark Ages, Jacob Rees-Mogg, who has been rather quiet of late, is back again to promote a Christmas pop-up dining opportunity in an attempt to give soup kitchens a more seasonal feel and a “jolly good box around the ear to Unicef”.
Speaking to reporters he said: ‘In this most joyous of seasons, Yuletide, it pleaseth me greatly to announce we have managed to secure a bountiful supply of pig heads. Therefore let it be known that it is our intention to make these available to the poor and needy via th’soup kitchens of our land, wherein for a small percentage of their state benefits, the aforementioned paupers can avail themselves of a nutritious and wholesome luncheon on Christmas Day.’
‘Furthermore this most splendid of initiatives has spik’d the guns of the cheap publicity stunt plann’d by Unicef. There is no such thing as a malnourished child in this land of plenty.’
However critics of the scheme, apparently dreamt up with the help of Ian Duncan Smith as an expert consultant, have been quick to lambaste it as being ‘totally out of touch’ and ‘ramming toffee-nosed privilege down the throats of society’s disadvantaged.’
Indeed the scheme has met with almost universal condemnation, with perhaps only one notable but not entirely unexpected exception, Boris Johnson.
Interviewed on BBC News he said: ‘ Oh I say. Piggy-wiggy woo-woos. Yum-yum-yum! I take my hat off to Jacob and The Quiet Man. This is a splendid initiative. It shows that deep down Conservatives are the party of the poor, the party of the downtrodden, but of course above all else… the party of the true spirit of Christmas. God bless us, every one.’